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Ok, so I just spent 3 hours locked out of my house. I went to go and take the blueprints and permit application to city hall: packed baby, set the papers by the door, had my list of other errands I needed to do, fixed the alarm system (it was blinking again, stupid thing), double checked all the doors and windows (locked!), checked the cell phone (charged!), and left. I took two steps before I realized:
#1 - The paperwork I needed was on the other side of the door.
#2 - So were my keys.
I set about trying to call someone with a spare set, when I realized:
#1 - My phone isn't working properly
#2 - My mother is at work (not near spares), and Kat is in possession of the set that lives with a neighbour.
So I tried to break in to my house. I am not Macguyver, and failed. Decided to sit and wait it out until Gooberhead got home from school, and realized:
#1 - I have no reading material with me
#2 (perhaps worst of all) - My sock in progress is with the paperwork and my keys.
Today is a write off. I am not responsible for anything that does or does not happen today. You've been warned.feels like:  annoyed |
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Ah, Father's Day. The holiday that assumes all dudes want golf supplies, a bbq, or power tools. Ok, so I would totally want power tools. But you know what would be better?
A nice set of 2mm DPN sock needles, and some wicked awesome self-striping sock yarn, and time to knit with them. Also, no chores for a day.
My current needles are laquered aluminium, and the laquer is rubbing off. Makes for annoying. On the upside, the second of my new socks have been cast on, and we have reached the heel flap! I repeat, we have reached heel flap!
Something awesome: the way I knit is apparently called, "lever knitting". Did not know this.
Thanks for the vid, Bonnie.
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My dad replied today. And believe me, the wording is not his. His girlfriend must have some brains, but honestly - this is not my dad
( Addressed to Mr. Christopher Lanctot )
I have no idea. I hope this results in money, to be honest. I'm not a bad person, I just don't forsee great things happening.feels like:  anxious |
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I bought a card for my dad for father's day. I haven't sent it yet, because I need to figure out exactly what I'm going to write in it. I haven't spoken to my dad or had any contact since I turned 18.
I can't say that I love my father. I can't even say that I respect him. It's horrible to see that put down in writing, but it's true. I pity him. Someday I want to be a daddy, but thanks to him I know some of what not to do.
I picked out a card that stood out for me. The front reads:
"A Father is someone who listens with his heart, speaks with his hugs, and teaches not by words, but by example."
( To John )feels like:  sad |
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Social Services are closed until like, 1 something. I totally forgot. So, after this post, I'll call 'em. it's like, 1:05 right now, so they should open soon... I hope. Indeed. Heh, I was accidentally given a pair of my brother's pants I've secretly been wanting to steal for the past couple of months... but I'll give em back, cause he'll notice them gone. Stupid... oh well. Wal-mart is having a sale on boys' long sleeved shirts and sweaters and shit. I need me some of those, cause damn, when it hits -50, I wanna be fucking WARM! (that's, I think, -56 for all those in fahrenehit). I gotta wait for that bus outside, plus I'll actually have to leave the undergground tunnels at the uni at some point.
*ring* ooo, my mommy just phoned me. She's been decidedly NICE to me lately. Calling just to talk, and stuff. aw. I'll see her every Sunday anyways. And my brother said he's invading my house every Thursday for lunch (I have no class on thursday) (well, I've never had class, but I don't have to attend a class on thursdays ;) ) His school is like three blocks from my house. lol. it's the same high school that my roomate is going to. So bonding time with everyone in my family, except my sister... huzzah.
Fuck, ok, I'm talking with three people as I'm writing this, not to mention updating my site... it's taken me 20 minutes to get this far! gah!
ok, fuck this, I'm too busy.feels like:  busy |
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Aug. 25th, 2002 @ 09:19 pm
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I am such a wuss.
I totally did not phone my dad. oh, who saw this coming? ME! Damn. I gotta phone up social services tomorrow. I'm not going to let myself post in here until I do. Nope. I swear I'm not. You know what I should do right now, I should stand up, go downstairs, and clean my shit offa the floor. Yup, that's what I should do.
ok... now!
haha, right. Actually, I'mma phone Davechelle right now... haven't talked to her all day. Fuck, my dogs is being annoying. I'm trying to type, and he keep licking my hand. And he licks HARD, so my hand moves away from the keyboard. Or he sticks his nose under my hand as I'm typing. poor baby.feels like:  nostalgic |
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Wee... I discovered how bad of a shopper I am. LoL. I went out with Michelle (not Irena, nor Davie, but Matchelle), and it was as if there was a timer going off somewhere... I kept like rushing through. Then again, I was in the women's section, for just about the whole day... *sigh* But I passed an unprecendented number of times... despite holding up skirts and looking at high heels, lol. Dale says, "Oh, this would be *so* cute on you!" Woman beside him gives confused look. I was most likely just shooting off "GAY!!!" vibes.
Day One of no more smoking went by... and I really really wanted to steal Michelle's pack, and run away. But I didn't I was so proud. Nor did I even ASK for one. Ha! Take that, nicotine dependancy!
and no, I haven't yet phoned my father... not looking forward to that.. he will most likely cry, and I will probably have to see him in person, which means I'll have to be a girl. NNNNNNOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Then, after I achieve money, I tell him. Over the phone. Without disclosing my location or new name. heh. I feel like a secret agent, casting off my former life. All I need to do now is fake my own death. hmm....
Still kinda nervous about Greystone... gak....feels like:  mellow |
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SHIT SHIT SHIT! I don't get my scholarship money until mid-october. MID-FUCKING-OCTOBER! WTF? But good news is, turns out my mom didn't put stamps on the little card Student Loans was supposed to send back, so I wouldn't get that notice. And it's only been 3 weeks since I sent it out, not 4. But I need to get it before the 7th of sept... I need to buy books, equipment, food, rent, bus pass, student fees, and name change. I bought my penis today :) I think I'll name him... captain rumpranger. lol. I'll make a separte lj just for my penis. I'm so happy. JT ordered it today. I was having such a great night until I found out about the scholarships...
heh, quote for the day "...I'm a flaaaming faggot. I'm fanning the flames of my faggotry" - margaret cho, I'm the one that I want. I fucking love her. And she's fucked a chick! I mean, damn! :)
See, tonight at group, there was this new guy, Chris (Buster's ex). And he was really nice. I walked him to Macs, and he was telling me about how he just came out, and how he thought mike was cute... and then he told me he thought I was cute too. I was floored, see at first, I thought he meant "you're a cute chick" cause all my fag friends say that, but then he went on to say, "ok, sorry, but at first I thought you were a girl. But I really do think you're cute." AT FIRST he thought I was a girl! Not "I know you are a girl" like they usually say but "at first I thought you were a girl"!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH! So I told him a bit about TS, I said "well, I can see why, cause I was born with a girl's body" and he was all like "...how the hell did THAT happen?" and I explained a bit to him, the way I always would like to explain thing. I was born with a boy's brain, but a girl's body, so I was raised as a girl, but now, I can begin steps to go back to being a boy, the way I should be. and he looked like it totally made sense. I was floating, I was so happy. Then later, at coffee, this girl I've totally got a thing for, Phoebe, was kinda flirting with me (at least I thought so) but she's a total biphobic dyke... so I tried to talk to her about some stuff, about how they're not all bad.. everything but come out and say I'm bi, right? Plus, she knows me as Dale, but I don't think she's knows I'm TS... and I think she's gonna ask me out. And I WANT to say yes, but I'll have to have that "talk" with her first... I hate this. Apparently, she asked mike what he thought her chances were with me. And now, I made the mistake of talking with mike about how I felt and stuff. I told him "see, I don't wanna be her GIRLfriend, you know..." and he was like "oh, so you just wanna be fuck buddies?" and I'm like, "no, I wanna be her boyfriend!" and he looked confused. *sigh* poor flightly mike. Poor doom-ed me. Now, I think Mike's going to "warn" her or whatever... I'd rather talk with her myself, you know, it would be easier, and I'd feel better about it. Less pain and confusion all around.
And Buster talked with me today... apparently, he's lost 2 jobs because of his fucked up email, and emails from his now dead grandpa, and he says he wants it (the email address) back. I don't know, but I think I know who did it. and I think I can figure out the secret password, but if I do, he'll think it was me. I'm just going to try and fix it for him anyways, and whatever. He wants to be friends again. APPARENTLY, he never said anything bad about me behind my back, and he DID try to call me before the bus ride... I don't even care anymore. Joel wasn't worth the bus ride. Well, ok, he was at the time... I thought. Honey, if you're reading this, I mean it to be "I didn't like the fact I spent 70$ just to get dumped"... cause I wouldn't spend 70$ I didn't really have, on just a friend. But I still like you all friend like. You're cool. *two thumbs up* But yeah. I'm supposed to give Buster a call... he gave me his cell number. But I'm having trouble.. see, the way I was treated, I'm not overly pleased. But I don't like holding grudges... it's against my nature. so.. *sigh*
I'm sore. I spent all day cleaning my new place with Brian. Jesus H. Christ, that place was DISGUSTING! mold in the shower and fridge, stove a fire hazard, walls covered in shit... we thought the fixtures in the bathroom were all bronzed, you know... well, after some scrubbing, turns out they were white. MUD caked on the bathroom window sill, walls, floor. EEEWWW!!! But now, it's sparkling. Tomorrow, my mom is going to help me move a few of my things into my room. I also wanna buy a padlock for my room specifically. Not that I don't trust Brian, but he has alot of friends, and I'd feel happier knowing that my room was always safe from people. Hopefully he won't get pissy about it. Plus, I wanna keep my stereo in my room. It's just, you know, I'd feel better about it. The few things I really like, I'm kinda possessive about... cause usually, when I leave shit out, it gets destroyed. Argh. This is all confusing. Plus, we have to caulk (heh, cock) aroudn the sink in the bathroom, in the shower, and the edge of the kitchen counter to the wall... none of the above it currently caulked. I mean, fuck! and paint. we gotta paint. And he wants to do all this fancy-assed shit, and I'm thinking "ok, we're asking for ALOT from this guy right away... I don't think he'll go for it." I'm only doing my room in one FABULOUS shade of blue. cause, yeah, fuck. I'm not expecting him to help me with my room, and I don't wanna help him with his. And nothing I said today mattered in the area of home decor. Brian's word was final, pretty much.
god, I'm so scared I won't get my money in time... fuck shit damn fuck. and if I ask my grandparents for money to help out, I think my mom'll dispense some knowledge onto them... I wish I could tell them straight out. or tell them queer out. either way, I want to tell my family.
plus, my dad tried to phone me 4 times tonight...
help me, fuck....feels like: busy sounds like: THE VOICES, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! |
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LoL. Ok, I read my own journal and I am a whiny moody bastard. LoL. I'm not actually like this all the time irl... at least, I like to think so. I just usually try not to explode from anger in the outside world, and instead just explode all over this page... wait, that sounds gross. Deal with it. I may sound like I complain alot, but honestly, right now, I don't put half the shit I'm thinking onto here. So I'm actually whinier than I appear. No wait, that's not what I was trying to say either... damn.
Ok, actually, fine. I have mood swings, ok? I try to be honest with how I'm feeling, and I don't hold grudges very well, so I'll be very very angry one second, hold it all in, and not tell the other person involved (for some reason, usually cause I have to kiss ass), then I explode in rage into my writing, and then something good will happen, and I'll completely forget the bad thing... well, forget it enough that I can not act mad anymore.
Like, my mom. I bitch about her all time, but today, we had a bonding experience. She was telling me, "I hope that you're not trying to move out of my life completely... I still want to see you and know what's happening in your life, and how you're doing." and she looked like she wanted to hug me and be all Hallmark-y, but we were in the middle of Home Depot, so I was just like, "Um, well, no, course I'm not trying to do that, and you can come over for coffee and stuff..." more awkwardness... and she said something, including my legal name... and I'm so proud of this part... I said to her, "well, I'd really appreciate it if you could try to start calling me by my new name..." and it looked like it threw her. Like she'd never even considered that that might bother me. *sigh* women...
ok, and I'm not misogynistic either. I say that because to me, going "women!" as a conclusion to something this seems asinine is so ludicrous it's funny. Cause I know women aren't like that, but it was something that people USED to say in earnest, and that seems so stupid to me, that I say it, cause it's like.. satire! THere's the word. It's so stupid it's like satire.
Anywho...
yeah...
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I fucking love this thing. it's so much easier than all my old paper journals... mostly cause it means I don'thave to BUY a new one evey now and then, plus my fam can't find this. heh heh heh... so devious
Anywho, I just tabulated some crap... I really need to get social assistance. Fuck. Fuck shit fuck fuck. it's gonna cost me about 600 to cover the cost of moving in, and setting up, and everything. I gotta come up with 100$ to pay Brian (for the damage deposit). I need an air mattress or something to sleep on, anyways. Plus, I need to buy some warm clothing before it gets too cold. Plus I need to change my name. Fuck shit damn fuck fuck. I'm phoning social services tomorrow. shit. Plus, added to all this joy, is buying schoolbooks and such. I don't even know what books I need to buy! Where do I find this out? AH! When do I get my scholarship money? AH! Can I get a copy of an acceptance letter so that I can send away for this bursary? AH AH! *breathing* ok, I'm sure we'd be able to do without internet and cable and long distance for a little while... like, say, a couple of months? a month? whatever. I just don't have the money to cover all this shit right now. I need to prioritize... and talk with brian about this. Cause, man, he's gonna be pissed if we don't have cable. Like, if he wanted to pay for the whole thing right now, and I pay him back much later, fine, ok, I don't care.But I can't do that right now, I need my school stuff. And I really need to talk with social services... or get a job that pays me tomorrow. *sigh* But I can already feel the relationship with my mother improving... but I also very much need socks and underwear, cause yeah. I really don't want to wear panties anymore, you guys... *shudder* I think I have to write my dad. and ask him for money... again, I'd really rather not. I'll just lie and tell him mom gave me some cash, but I need a bit more, cause my clothes are wearing out, and I need to buy furniture, and some school stuff, and does he thinks he could help me out a little bit? hm. Or I should not lie, and just say to him "what happens between mom and I is mom's and my business, and what happens between you and I is yours and my business." and just end it like that. And then later, I think I'll send out the coming out letter... before we have coffee.
*grabbing head in hands*
so much happening so fast.
add to that psychaitrists' evaluations, possible referals to hormones, and change my name on all my documents... oh, and I had my last cigarette today...
GEEEEEE
I need to get laid.feels like:  stressed sounds like: styx - suite madam blue |
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Aug. 16th, 2002 @ 01:06 am
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Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother. She tries hard. I know she IS in fact trying. Trying to do what exactly, I'm not sure. I think she just wants eveyrtihng to go back to "normal" back to the way things were before everything got screwed up. Back to when I was in grade 6, when my dad wasn't there. I just wish she would realize I'm not doing anything I do to hurt her on purpose. I'm just trying to put the shreds of my life back together. I can't help her fix her life, and I don't expect her to help me with mine. Unfortunatly, the law disagrees with me, and says my mother has to support me in everything, so they aren't going to help me like they do with others. I'm trying to get away so that she doesn't have to pretend to pay for me, so she doesn't have another mouth to feed. I'm also trying to get away for my own sanity, and I'm hoping distance will help her sort through whatever she's sorting through.
I need to rebuild my life, and the way she's doing things, she's standing in my way... and she doesn't see that. I don't know what she thinks she is doing,I'm not psychic. I've tried to tell her things, but she doesn't want to listen... I can't blame her. Everytihng I say is backwards to what she's grown up learning. Everything I need is what she can't give me.
I just wish she could let me go.feels like: sad |
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Aug. 15th, 2002 @ 01:00 am
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Now, because of my 'attitude' my mother says she isn't going to give me my money... *deep breaths* ok. So tomorrow, I'm going to go and make an appointment with my bank officer, and try to figure out exactly what I can do here. So, essentially what happened here is my mom told me when we started this account, "This is your money, that you are saving up for yourself. I'm only signing because you're too young to open your own account by yourself." This is when I was 7 years old. I trusted my mom. Believed her when she said it was my money, because, really, I was putting MY birthday presents and MY christmas presents into that account, nothing else was going in, on the assumption that I would get it back. Now she says I signed it over to her, and she doesn't think I'd be using it responsibly, and so, I'm not getting it.
I'm using it to change my name so that I don't have to deal with more trouble if I change it halfway through the semester. Also, so I don't have to deal with more discrimination if I change if after I get a job. I'm using some to pay my debt to my father off (oh, yeah, I know she's mad about that, because she wanted me to give her that money, so apparently she would pay it off for me... I don't understand that woman). I'm using it to buy my own school supplies, and clothing (underwear and socks, she's not even buying me those anymore)... where's the irresponsiblity here? I'm trying to become totally independant of her, so that she doesn't have to worry about me, and so that I can have peace of mind knowing that I won't have to beg and grovel for every little thing I need.
She says I don't respect her... well, it's kind of hard to respect someone who ignores your attempts at civility, doesn't bother trying to help find a solution to the problem she created, and then gets mad at me for it.
...women... jkfeels like: frustrated |
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Shit I need to buy:
-name change~ 140$
-hair cut~ 15$
-packer~ 30$ *can wait, rather not*
-underwear~no clue
-socks~no clue
-german dictionary~ 10$
-spanish dictionary~ 10$
-pay dad back~ 15$
-paint, for desk~no clue *can wait*
-duct tape~ 3$???
comes to 223$... wow, I can almost afford it.
...if I don't get my hair cut...
or if I sell a bunch of shit, or my relatives suddenly give me a birthday present of money. Fuck, only my grandparents and my mom even acted like I had a birthday. I was turning 18, come on.
Shit I can sell:
-record player + records + old tapes I don't like
-some old books
-some clothes
-my doll house
-my pog game (on ebay? It is the complete original pog game)
arghfeels like: anxious sounds like: madonna - material girl |
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Sweet, I finally got one of these things.
I'm pretty happy, actually. I sat down with my mom, and tried to calmly explain certain things to her, like, "I need 15$ now, or I can't go to university next year, and it needs to be sent out by monday, so I don't really have a choice here" and I think she understood. She agreed to lend me the money, but by the end of the conversation, she seemed to be steering me towards "well, you'll have your own money soon, can't you wait?" Never mind that I don't have a credit card, so actually, I need her for this anyways. Argh.
sigh. And try to get her to help me with our joint account... I agreed to it when I was 7, and now I can't touch my own money until she signs it to me. It's only like 220$, but I need the money now to change my name, hopefully before university, or a job. It would help me, you know, not have to expose myself to possible more discrimination, and such. Saskatoon isn't the best place to be declaring yourself a sexual/gender minority...
*smack my forehead* why won't she help me? Or at least not get in my way?feels like:  irate sounds like: josie cotton - johnny are you queer |
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